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** July's Travel Log **

Medical: Throat & Nose Doctor

"Po-pei san," calls the assistant.
I walk to the small window.
"Pope, my name, it's pronounced Pope."
"Po-pei?"
"Pope."
"Po-pei?"
"Yes, Po-pei," i concur. 

She points towards a small sliding door.  I enter into the room where i see a single chair next to a wheel based tray full of odd looking medical instruments.

"Have a seat," says an elderly nurse through a white medical mask.

A little man with a white coat shuffles over to me with a soft smile.  He looks like he's about 75 years of age, bald, with bad teeth.  He reminded me of a fuller, shorter, Mr. Burns from The Simpsons.  I told him my ear aliment.

"I drove to the fifth station on Mt. Fuji.  My ear popped.  Five days later it still hasn't popped back to normal."

He was writing everything down nodding with comprehension.  After having my ears looked at, two prongs shoved up my nose, and a throat swab, he asked me if i wanted a nose blow.  I agreed not knowing what a nose blow was. 

The nurse handed him a metal tube. He steadied himself in front of me like a line backer getting ready to tackle his opponent and then with a wobbly hand stuck the metal tube up my nose.  It was an odd feeling.  After the insertion, the nurse handed him a triangular air puffer.  Upon taking the air puffer the top flew off and rolled across the room.  Not noticing that the top had come off, he proceeded as planned to insert it into my ear. I looked on speechless pointing toward the instrument. Luckily the nurse stopped him in time.  He looked at the end of the puffer that was missing the end piece, looked at me and chuckled, then asked for another one.  After putting the air puffer in place, he shot air through the metal tube in my nose and then inflated the air puffer in a jerky motion as if to suck the air that was being inserted in my nose via the puffer.  It was like a magic trick and I was the assistant. 

He then retrieved the metal hose from my nose.  After shuffling and juxtaposition himself in front of me, he stuck a weird hand held ear scope in my right ear.  The machine hummed and then finished with a bur.  He told me to look at the monitor that the hand held gizmo was attached to.  The graph on the monitor read from  0 to 1.5.  My reading read was 1.0 on the graph.  He then stuck the gizmo in my left ear.  It read 1.4 on the graph.  He explained to me what the graph meant and then stuck the gizmo in his ear, without cleaning it first, then pointed to the monitor that read 0.4 on the graph.  We all chuckled.

I asked him if it was permanent.  He laughed shaking his head and then proceeded to tell me everything about my ear infection in Japanese medical terminology.  I sat there nodding my head in comprehension not knowing what he was saying.  Having studied the ear with Mr. Yakamoto the night prior i had a rough idea. In Japan, you usually have to diagnose your self then prove it to the doctor, it's like the judicial system, it's culture.  We laughed some more.  In no time I was hearing the backdrop of Tokyo again. 

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Travel: Mt. Fuji

Mazda Demio all inclusive 3 day car rental: ¥17,800
2 night stay at Win Lake Hotel at Kawaguchiko: ¥40,000
Subaru Line road: ¥2,000
Seeing Mt. Fuji up close: pricey

You can tell how close you are from the summit of Mt. Fuji by the cost of the drinks in the vending machines.  At the base of the mountain they cost ¥120.  At 1/3 from the base they cost ¥150 and at half way they are ¥200.  At the summit, from what we were told, the vending machine drinks are ¥400.  Not wanting to pay that much for a drink we decided to stick with the ¥200 a drink limit.

Warning: Beware of Hodou

Wanting to suck in the local Mt. Fuji cuisine, Mr. Yakamoto and I ate Hodou, a vegetable noodle stew.  A couple of hours later I was producing enough methane that, if bottled and distributed properly, could have possibly solved the current energy crisis.  Later in the evening, much to Mr. Yakamoto's disdain, deafening decibels deprived him from descending into a decent sopor.  If someone offers hodou at your next party, just say no to hodou!

Monsoon Season: Good for Rice...

Monsoon season has hit the islands of Japan.  Hot, humid, sticky food is not the same to eat in this weather.  Nato, a fermented bean that has been regurgitated by the emperor and spat out by his assistant, is out.  Cheeseburgers are in.  The mind thinks, it's raining, it must be cold; but no, this is a lie.  The closest way to put it is this way:

Imagine you haven't showered for two days, then you go for a 5 kilometers run.  You come home, see what's in the fridge to find out that it's full of condiments and nothing else.  You sit down in front of your computer, hungry,  knowing that you have to go out in the pouring rain after you just came in from the run cause you need to eat a cheeseburger.  Your feet stink and you have eye snot that needs wiping.  Sweat drips from you back into your butt crack.  Your palms feel gooey from wiping the head slime from your forehead.  You wonder what time you should go to bed because it's a work night.  However, you want to stay up as late even though you're tired.  A shower brings no relief because 5 minutes after the shower you feel exactly the same way.  Welcome to Monsoon season.

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Theatre: Thespian activities in Tokyo

"Mushi mushi", i chant into my cell phone.  (This means hello in Japanese.)
"Hello," said my agent.  I can feel the slime on the other end of the phone oozing into the receiver.  "I have a part for you." He chuckles.  "You are to play a gay man on an evening show."
I look out of my bay window wondering how on earth to respond to this.  I have nothing against happy people but Japan's concept of gay people was like North America's concept of gay people in the 80s.
"Do i have to kiss anyone?" I ask.
"No, but you have to act gay", he laughs.
I ponder over this for a moment.  I can do this, I think to myself, after all, i'm an actor, a thespian, a theologian.   My only concern is how Mr. Yakamoto will respond to this proposition. He's a traditional Japanese and can be quite cautious when dealing with controversy.  He wasn't too happy when i was contemplating opening up a .com business called, "dirtychlorine.com."  He may not like the idea that people might think that he's living with a turn coat.
"How much?" I enquire.
"10000 yen".
I hang up the phone declining the offer wishing i had a better agent.

The following week i get another call from my agent.
"Can you tap dance?" he asks.
"I tapped danced when i was a child," I reply.
"It's a magic show and you need to tap dance."
"Right, well... i can tap dance with a bit of practice," I lied.  Right then i pictured myself reenacting the buffalo shuffle (a tap dance move that my mother taught me when i was six)  in black leotards and a pink tutu.
"How much?"
"69000," he said.
This is a much better offer than last time. 
"When's the audition?"
"Wednesday."
I hang up declining the offer wishing i didn't have a scheduling conflict.

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Geography: Powerful Earthquake hits Japan:

The room started moving slowly at first, then more... then a bit more... then more...  Blood, blood, blood, snot, bits of puke, and then more blood runs through my head like it always does on Saturday morning.  Shall i run out of the building i think to myself?  No, why bother, the last time i ran from the building during an earthquake it had finished before i got out.  It was anticlimactic standing outside in my brown plaid pajamas holding Mr. Yakamoto, hair unkempt, knowing that it was a complete waste of our precious time.  When you run out of the building you want the damn thing to fall down so you can brag to all your friends.  "Yeah, that's right, we ran man, we got the f*ck out and have lived to tell the tale. Unlike those sorry bastards who were too lazy to get out of bed."   It's best to swear when you've had a traumatic experience, it makes it more real.

Just then, the apartment begins to shake violently, then traumatically, then more traumatically, then trauma...  a dirty cup begins to tinkle against another unwashed dirty cup, The piled up soiled laundry that decorates my floor doesn't move.  The TV doesn't have any answers because it's turned off.  It's at this moment i'm thinking, okay, is this the big one?  Just then, it stops, I turn over and go back to sleep.

Later during the day between transfers i get a phone call from a friend.  "How was your earthquake", he asks.  "Just great", was my reply.  Thinking back to it i wished I had come up with something witty like.  "I'm so glad you called, i'm trapped under blood and snot!"  Then we'd  both laugh.  But i didn't say anything.  We hang up and I enter my next dragon. 

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Friday the 13th, good for some, bad for others.  How's your day going to fall into place?

Akihabara district, the land of electronics, computers, and crazy insecure men with 5 inch blades.  Apparently they're slashing prices at the moment in an attempt to truck in customers.  Bad taste you might ask, what's wrong with a sale?  Before it was like they were bleeding you dry with overprices goods.

Lest i digress, It's currently 28 degrees in the big Toe (Tokyo).  It's days like this where i can open up my bay window in the south wing of my estate and enjoy the smell of the ocean.  Well, it's smells more like a wharf... okay, it's smells like the side of a highway but that's beside the point.  The window is half open, not half empty.

On days like these i would like to ride the stallion to locations that i have never been to. Locations like Seoul, Singapore, Shanghai, and other places that begin with S.  I'm working through the alphabet and starting with S because starting from A is like creating an invoice at 1.  It just doesn't sound impressive.

Architecture: Government Building is Really a Giant Transformer:

Japan has created a giant transformer in central Tokyo.  It's called the Government Buildings (GOB), it's 243 meters (799 feet) high and only cost $1,000,000,000 of tax payers money to build.  As you can tell by the picture, all you can see is a head wearing a crown.  That's because it's body is completely underground.  Upon Japan being attacked, GOB will crawl out of the ground, bend it's head forward and shoot nuclear weapons from the two pointed spots on it's head.  (These are where the nuclear silos are.) After restoring order in the world, it will then collect taxes. 

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Mr. Yakamoto just left for work so i thought that this would be a good time to get started on my travel log.  He can be so distracting when he's around.  Blow drying his hair, packing on face makeup, smelling up the place with his flowery perfume... 

I'm teaching at The University of Tokyo Zoo this afternoon.  I have to commute in the bowls of three different dragons to get there.  Here's the route:

13:06 NAKANO SAKAUE
4min Toei Oedo Line
2min 13:10

13:12 TOCHOMAE ¥260
20min Toei Oedo Line
7min 13:32

13:39 SHIN-OKACHIMACHI
31min Tsukuba Express Local ¥650

14:10 KASHIWANOHA CAMPUS

In total it's going to cost ¥910 one way -  ¥1820 return.  Once I get to the Kashiwanoha Campus station i have to ride an elephant that takes 10 minutes and cost's about ¥1000 yen - ¥2000 return.  The whole commute costs about ¥4000.  For sexual favors i get this returned to me from the zoo.

Riding in the dragons of Tokyo can be trying because they usually smell of ass and it's hard to get a seat.  Having your face stuck in someone's armpit is never a nice thing either, unless she's cute.  (As you can see in the picture to the left i tower above the little people so i have to bend down to sniff cute girls armpits.)

Nevertheless, behind every cloud there is a silver lining.  Once upon a time, when i managed to get a seat, i had a cute lady straddle me in a crowded dragon.  She couldn't move, I couldn't move, and so her moist groin was wrapped around my exposed leg for about 10 minutes.  I looked at her, smiled, and she smiled back saying she was sorry.  Her boyfriend was looking on but he was squashed between and old lady and a sumo wrestler so there was nothing he could do to deny us from our public affair.  Not that we could do anything either because, as noted above, we were wedged in.  Did she leave a damp spot on my thigh you may ask?  Some things are better left unsaid is my reply.

To avoid congested dragons I usually try and ride my white stallion to work but as the zoo is half way to China it's quicker to ride in the dragons.  Nevertheless, for journeys under an hour, the stallion is by far the best way to travel around. 

Riding the stallion can be little dangerous at times because it doesn't mingle with the other animals of the road as well.  Nevertheless, when you're straddling 250 cubic centimeters of vibrating power, one doesn't mind the risk.

Close calls?  Me, never...  I've only had to pull back on the reins at high speed a few times.... Elephants can be a bit dangerous because they tend not to signal when maneuvering and just stop in front of you when picking up passengers.  Of course, the giraffes are by far the scariest because they are always in such a hurry.

Well i must prepare something for the zoo.  The animals must be fed!

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